Yesterday, after I got out of work Andrew came and picked me up to go shopping :) We went to the mall for about 4 hours and he bought me about $200 dollars worth of clothes. I have never been spoiled like that before. It was kind of weird. I don't really like people spending money on me. That's not how momma raised me, but I deserve someone to do things like that for me. I've had so many loser boyfriends it's not even funny! He really is a great guy, and not just because he buys me things. It's still early to see if we are compatible or not, but so far everything is great!
Using the "L" word is still a little weird. I think he is holding a lot back from me still. I can see the walls he has up around him. Which I can understand, he is still hurt and doesn't want to get hurt again. Mostly he only says he loves me if I say it first. I'd say it more, but I'm holding back too because I want him to get more comfortable with me first. I'm the kind of person that say it every time I get off the phone, and every time he or I leaves for work. So far he doesn't do that, but I think he just needs time to open up to me, and I am willing to give him that time. I mean, hell its only been a little over a week since we have technically been a couple, even though we hung out everyday for over a month before that.
My walls are down, then again I'm not really the type of person to really have wall anyway. I'm an open book for him, and have been since day one. If he wants all of me, all he has to do is take me. I feel like he is using money to get make up for something, or to make me love him. I've told him I don't need his money to love him, because I don't. I am used to being broke, and I am completely content with not having extra spending money. He has so much to him that I already really like, maybe even love.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
The "L" Word pt. 2
Well, It felt right, so I told him that I love him. It's probably too soon, but it just felt like the time to say it. He said "I loke you" as we were getting out of the car last night, and I said "I love you too" and he was like, what did you say, and I said what are you talking about, I didn't say anything :). Well, after we got back to my mom's last night we were laying in bed and he said that he loves me too. I'm not really sure that he is telling the truth. I think he may have just said it because I did, and that's just the thing to do...
But, if he said it, then he should have meant it. I can't read minds, I can only go by what someone tells me. He said it, so I am inclined to believe its true. Well, it works in theory, oh well...
I don't think he is capable of really loving me yet, he is still in love with Katie. But, what are you gonna do. He is trying to move forward, and so am I, so we will move forward together and see what happens I suppose.
But, if he said it, then he should have meant it. I can't read minds, I can only go by what someone tells me. He said it, so I am inclined to believe its true. Well, it works in theory, oh well...
I don't think he is capable of really loving me yet, he is still in love with Katie. But, what are you gonna do. He is trying to move forward, and so am I, so we will move forward together and see what happens I suppose.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
The "L" Word
Love...
I have always been the kind of girl that tells you that I love you from day one. I always used to say that I love everyone. Well it is completely different this time around with Andrew. In my past relationships I started out saying I love you and so I'm not quite sure where the line was where I actually went from just saying it to really meaning it. With Andrew we don't say it so I don't know how to tell when I have, or will cross that line from just really liking him, to loving him. He says he really likes me, and that he is falling for me, so right now he says "I loke you". I don't know why, but to me it feels like not saying I love you will push us apart. It's sort of hard to explain... Like what if I fall for him first and say I love you, but he doesn't love me yet so he doesn't say it back, and that crushes me, or he does say it back to me but doesn't really truly mean it which i think would be worse... So now I don't want to say it first, I want to wait until he does, but what if he is scared for the same reason and doesn't say it either...
The problem is we both just ended engagements and I know he still loves his ex. I hate my ex, which in turn means there are still feelings there, but me and him are undoubtedly over, which is a very very good thing. But Andrew and his ex... I'm not so sure about. On one hand I think that he can't love me until he completely doesn't love her at all, but on the other hand, maybe someone can love two people at the same time, I'm not really sure. I completely stopped talking to my ex when we broke up, I moved out, and we have no reason for contact at all, but Andrew still has reasons for contact with her, until the other day he talked to her everyday, but with the help of his mom, I stopped their contact, for now. He was sending dirty texts to her behind my back (which I saw when I went through his phone) so now I can never be sure if he will contact her behind my back or not.
Which to me is a really shitty way to start of a relationship: no trust...ugh. He finally gave me a reason for why he did it. He said that he was falling for me fast and hard which scared him, and he sent her those messages as a safety net. And to me that does make sense, its not a good reason and he should have never done it, but its a valid explanation. But every time his phone goes off I always wonder who it is, and I don't want to start off this relationship as the clingy, controlling, nosey girlfriend, but he isn't giving me much of a choice, unfortunately.
Which brings me back to the point of thinking he may not be emotionally strong enough for the kind of relationship I can offer to him. I have my great qualities (which is making him fall for me) but I also have my bad ones. Which I know everyone has good and bad, but I don't know if he is capable of seeing past those ones or not.
I have always been the kind of girl that tells you that I love you from day one. I always used to say that I love everyone. Well it is completely different this time around with Andrew. In my past relationships I started out saying I love you and so I'm not quite sure where the line was where I actually went from just saying it to really meaning it. With Andrew we don't say it so I don't know how to tell when I have, or will cross that line from just really liking him, to loving him. He says he really likes me, and that he is falling for me, so right now he says "I loke you". I don't know why, but to me it feels like not saying I love you will push us apart. It's sort of hard to explain... Like what if I fall for him first and say I love you, but he doesn't love me yet so he doesn't say it back, and that crushes me, or he does say it back to me but doesn't really truly mean it which i think would be worse... So now I don't want to say it first, I want to wait until he does, but what if he is scared for the same reason and doesn't say it either...
The problem is we both just ended engagements and I know he still loves his ex. I hate my ex, which in turn means there are still feelings there, but me and him are undoubtedly over, which is a very very good thing. But Andrew and his ex... I'm not so sure about. On one hand I think that he can't love me until he completely doesn't love her at all, but on the other hand, maybe someone can love two people at the same time, I'm not really sure. I completely stopped talking to my ex when we broke up, I moved out, and we have no reason for contact at all, but Andrew still has reasons for contact with her, until the other day he talked to her everyday, but with the help of his mom, I stopped their contact, for now. He was sending dirty texts to her behind my back (which I saw when I went through his phone) so now I can never be sure if he will contact her behind my back or not.
Which to me is a really shitty way to start of a relationship: no trust...ugh. He finally gave me a reason for why he did it. He said that he was falling for me fast and hard which scared him, and he sent her those messages as a safety net. And to me that does make sense, its not a good reason and he should have never done it, but its a valid explanation. But every time his phone goes off I always wonder who it is, and I don't want to start off this relationship as the clingy, controlling, nosey girlfriend, but he isn't giving me much of a choice, unfortunately.
Which brings me back to the point of thinking he may not be emotionally strong enough for the kind of relationship I can offer to him. I have my great qualities (which is making him fall for me) but I also have my bad ones. Which I know everyone has good and bad, but I don't know if he is capable of seeing past those ones or not.
New at this
This is my first blog, and I'm just going to start talking about what is happening now, if necessary I will fill in past history as I explain things.
Today Andrew and I woke up at about 9:30am and had sex. We were supposed to go shopping for clothes today but by the time we got up and around he said we could just go on Thursday. So instead we went to walmart to pick up a few necessities for him, and then I went and returned my old modem to comcast. After that I call my old apartments and found out that I owed them 80 dollars, so we went there to pay. I only had 70 on me so I asked Andrew to borrow 10 from him and that I would pay him back when we got back to my mom's house, because I still have some more Christmas money but he said he wasn't worried about it, but I am still going to give him the money because he pays for way too much already. He then took me out to Chili's for lunch and we went back to his grandparents. He was going to take a shower, but he didn't end up doing so. We were in the living room and he pretended like he was going to throw one of those balloons that are attached to a rubber band at my face, I flinched then he threw it and it hit me right in the face so I attacked him. It was just playful, but I accidental hooked him in the mouth and gave him a bloody lip :-/ I felt really bad, but he wasn't mad. After about an hour he dropped me off at mom's and in the car I told him not to tell my mom that i gave him a bloody lip because then she would yell at me (wow I really sound like a little kid lol). So he went to work, and a little while later my mom came home from work (they work together, that's how I met him), and she said that he told her that he hit my with a balloon and i went crazy and punched him in the face and gave him a bloody lip. So i sent him a text calling him a douche bag and he asked what he did so i told him what mom said and he said he didn't say it like that and he was only joking. He then asked if I was mad and I told him that if I said yes then he would think that i meant no, this confused him so i explained that apparently to his yes means no, no means yes, do means don't, and don't means do... he asked me to not be mad at him so I said OK, and he asked your still mad aren't you and i said no.
I'm not mad, its not that big of a deal. I just now know that if I tell him not to do something he will do it anyway. We have only been together for 6 days, but we have been talking for about a month and a half. So I am learning how he is, and he is still learning how I am. So far he is a really nice guy, someone I can take home, ya know. Not like any of my past losers. But it is still early and we will see what happens.
I'm not really conceded but from my past relationships I have found that I am easy to fall in love with, and I'm pretty awesome. That's what I have been told at least. And I can understand that, I'm not like anyone that a guy will ever meet. I have a lot of good qualities, but I'm just afraid that Andrew wont be able to handle the bad parts about my personality. He is really sweet, but I'm not sure if he is strong enough to handle my quirks, because they can be pretty demanding.
Today Andrew and I woke up at about 9:30am and had sex. We were supposed to go shopping for clothes today but by the time we got up and around he said we could just go on Thursday. So instead we went to walmart to pick up a few necessities for him, and then I went and returned my old modem to comcast. After that I call my old apartments and found out that I owed them 80 dollars, so we went there to pay. I only had 70 on me so I asked Andrew to borrow 10 from him and that I would pay him back when we got back to my mom's house, because I still have some more Christmas money but he said he wasn't worried about it, but I am still going to give him the money because he pays for way too much already. He then took me out to Chili's for lunch and we went back to his grandparents. He was going to take a shower, but he didn't end up doing so. We were in the living room and he pretended like he was going to throw one of those balloons that are attached to a rubber band at my face, I flinched then he threw it and it hit me right in the face so I attacked him. It was just playful, but I accidental hooked him in the mouth and gave him a bloody lip :-/ I felt really bad, but he wasn't mad. After about an hour he dropped me off at mom's and in the car I told him not to tell my mom that i gave him a bloody lip because then she would yell at me (wow I really sound like a little kid lol). So he went to work, and a little while later my mom came home from work (they work together, that's how I met him), and she said that he told her that he hit my with a balloon and i went crazy and punched him in the face and gave him a bloody lip. So i sent him a text calling him a douche bag and he asked what he did so i told him what mom said and he said he didn't say it like that and he was only joking. He then asked if I was mad and I told him that if I said yes then he would think that i meant no, this confused him so i explained that apparently to his yes means no, no means yes, do means don't, and don't means do... he asked me to not be mad at him so I said OK, and he asked your still mad aren't you and i said no.
I'm not mad, its not that big of a deal. I just now know that if I tell him not to do something he will do it anyway. We have only been together for 6 days, but we have been talking for about a month and a half. So I am learning how he is, and he is still learning how I am. So far he is a really nice guy, someone I can take home, ya know. Not like any of my past losers. But it is still early and we will see what happens.
I'm not really conceded but from my past relationships I have found that I am easy to fall in love with, and I'm pretty awesome. That's what I have been told at least. And I can understand that, I'm not like anyone that a guy will ever meet. I have a lot of good qualities, but I'm just afraid that Andrew wont be able to handle the bad parts about my personality. He is really sweet, but I'm not sure if he is strong enough to handle my quirks, because they can be pretty demanding.
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