The "L" Word

Love...

I have always been the kind of girl that tells you that I love you from day one. I always used to say that I love everyone. Well it is completely different this time around with Andrew. In my past relationships I started out saying I love you and so I'm not quite sure where the line was where I actually went from just saying it to really meaning it. With Andrew we don't say it so I don't know how to tell when I have, or will cross that line from just really liking him, to loving him. He says he really likes me, and that he is falling for me, so right now he says "I loke you". I don't know why, but to me it feels like not saying I love you will push us apart. It's sort of hard to explain... Like what if I fall for him first and say I love you, but he doesn't love me yet so he doesn't say it back, and that crushes me, or he does say it back to me but doesn't really truly mean it which i think would be worse... So now I don't want to say it first, I want to wait until he does, but what if he is scared for the same reason and doesn't say it either...

The problem is we both just ended engagements and I know he still loves his ex. I hate my ex, which in turn means there are still feelings there, but me and him are undoubtedly over, which is a very very good thing. But Andrew and his ex... I'm not so sure about. On one hand I think that he can't love me until he completely doesn't love her at all, but on the other hand, maybe someone can love two people at the same time, I'm not really sure. I completely stopped talking to my ex when we broke up, I moved out, and we have no reason for contact at all, but Andrew still has reasons for contact with her, until the other day he talked to her everyday, but with the help of his mom, I stopped their contact, for now. He was sending dirty texts to her behind my back (which I saw when I went through his phone) so now I can never be sure if he will contact her behind my back or not.

Which to me is a really shitty way to start of a relationship: no trust...ugh. He finally gave me a reason for why he did it. He said that he was falling for me fast and hard which scared him, and he sent her those messages as a safety net. And to me that does make sense, its not a good reason and he should have never done it, but its a valid explanation. But every time his phone goes off I always wonder who it is, and I don't want to start off this relationship as the clingy, controlling, nosey girlfriend, but he isn't giving me much of a choice, unfortunately.

Which brings me back to the point of thinking he may not be emotionally strong enough for the kind of relationship I can offer to him. I have my great qualities (which is making him fall for me) but I also have my bad ones. Which I know everyone has good and bad, but I don't know if he is capable of seeing past those ones or not.