Not to much new

Just wanted to write a little bit waiting for Andrew to get back from work. Yesterday was our one monthiversary, we went with paw guy and his dad to the State hockey game in Lansing (I hate state, but he wanted me to go with him) it was alright, but on our way back to the van I hit a patch of ice and banged my head and elbow pretty good. After we got back we hung out with his three younger cousins and played a game of cards, which was his idea. Erin was just goofing around having fun, but she wasn't taking the game seriously enough for Andrew, so he had a hissy fit, which pissed me off. Then he called me Katie again. At first I can understand it because our names are really similar, but come on, he supposedly hasn't talked to her at all since Christmas yet he is still calling me it. Makes me wonder how much she is still on his mind... But whatever. Then today we got in an argument over nothing on the phone and I hung up on him because I was done arguing, and tired of listening to him yell. He still came right over, which surprised me. We were fine after that, but when we went into my room he got really upset and said that he didn't know what was wrong, so I just held him and let him cry. Still have no clue what was wrong with him, and I don't believe that it was nothing... We drove around for about 45 minutes looking for things for me to take photos of for my project, then we went to his dads and watched some football for like 5 hours. I hate sports, but I'm trying real hard to change that because I love him and he loves sports. Well, I guess that is all for now.

Changes

Well, letting Andrew read the blog was a good idea. He has been trying real hard to make things work with me. It is really sweet the way he has changed his actions. He calls it making love, and is extremely sweet to me. He bought me a card and sends me cute text messages all the time. Its really nice, and I am very happy right now. He's giving me butterflies again :). There are still some things that have a tendency to bother me when they come up, or I think about them, but there will always be something that bothers me, no one is perfect, so unless, or until they become a big problem I wont dwell on them. For now, everything is perfect, except the fact that his grandparents are home, and he's not allowed to spend the night anymore... I fell like I'm in high school, or he is in high school just because I have to say that "he is not allowed". We are freaking adults. Oh well, everything else is amazing right now!

Andrews Response

Last night I showed Andrew a slightly doctored version of my previous blog post because we were arguing and he wanted me to tell him how I felt. It started off with us talking about everything and somehow imagining other people while we were having sex came up in our conversation. He said that he has never done it, but he doesn't think that it is a bad thing. Which blew my mind. Everyday I find out something else about him that just breaks my heart. It is completely unacceptable to be picturing having sex with other people while in an intimate moment like that. He asked if I have ever done it, and after thinking about it, no, I have never imagined anyone else naked or anything like that while have sex with anybody. Our views about everything are just so different, I really don't think that we are compatible. After he read the blog we didn't really discuss it much, all he said was "if you cant even stand me, then why do you tell me you love me? or are you lying every time you say it?" I told him I'm not lying when I say it, which is true. I really would love this relationship to work, but I don't want him to have to change in order for it to happen. And later on last night he totally threw it in my face about not wanting t fuck, but wanting to make love. Just randomly out of the blue he made fun of me about it. That blog was something that was not written for the intention of him reading it, therefore it was completely from my heart and I was extremely vulnerable and he ripped me apart by saying that. I don't know how to handle this, I don't know what the right thing to do is. We have only been together such a short time, I don't want to end it so soon, not knowing if what we have could be real, but its so hard because of how bad it is already going, this early in the relationship. I just don't know what to do...

I Don't Know Where this is Going

I Actually wrote this yesterday 1/15/2011

andrew and i havent even been together a whole month, and i really do not know how much longer i can stand being with him. All he does is constantly piss me off. The night before last we went to churchills with kevin and amber and he checked out every single girl that walked through the door. And he continued to check them out after i said something to him about it. He asked me if i never checked out other dudes out and i said no. And its the truth, im the ipitomy of faithful, my body, my mind, and my eyes all belong to the one person i am with. Its completely disrespectful, especially when ur significant other is sitting right next to you! His excuse was "all guys do it" but that is not even true. I was with kevin for almost a year and a half and he never checked out other girls ever! I was the only woman in the world in his eyes. Andrew said that he will try harder to not look at other women, and that is just fucking ridiculous to me. He thinks it just pisses me off, but it honestly hurts my feeling a lot. I mean he isnt exactly eye candy, and im not trying to be conceded, but he is lucky to get someone that looks as good as i do, and he spends his time looking at other girls, yet he tells me im the pretiest/sexiest girl anywhere we go, then why the fuck doesnt he look at me? Thats just one example of one day that he pissed me off. But somehow he finds a way everyday to do so. Yesterday i was at work and he asked me if i was grumpy, and i told him that grumpy wasnt the word for it, and that we would talk about it later cuz it wasnt a convo to have over texting. So he called me, we talked about how we werent gonna see each other all day because he got out at 9 and i was going out with nichole for her birthday, and he had to work early in the morning, plus i didnt want him to come anyway cuz he would end up pissing me off checking every fucking girl out, so he said "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and i said i sure hope so. He said that he wanted to try to make this work, and i said i do too, but it hasnt even been a month, we shouldnt have to try to make it work yet, thats something that happens at minimum of 6 months. we agreed to talk today after we got out of work to figure out what we were going to do. When i was getting ready to leave work for the day yesterday, he sent me a txt asking if i wanted him to give me any bar money. Because thats what he does, he was afraid that he was going to lose me, so he basicly bribes me with money. I asked him how much he would give me, and he said he could give me 20 right now... Implying he would get more if i wanted. No, i did not take his money. I really do not believe that there is mr right out there, i dont even think there is a mr barely right. I guess i want to keep trying with andrew because i hold these high hopes that he will be who i want him to be, and that is exactly what i do with every guy im with. But they never change, they are always incapable of change. I consciously know that if i dont like him the way he is now, then i shouldnt be with him, but im still going to drag this out. I think its for the same reason he his hold on so tight to us, its because we dont want to be alone, and it is really hard to find someone to be with. And i am compromising a lot of myself for this relationship which i really really should not do. For example, i am very particular in my sexual relationships. I dont like doing anything that makes me feel emotionally unattached, which means that i dont do kinky things, and i only like two positions, me on top or him on top. I like the face to face connection, which so far has been ok with him(even tho him and katie were extreemely kinky, but thats another issue). The problem is that he likes to fuck, and i hate it. I like to make love, and yes there is a BIG difference between the two. We have only made love once, and he always says things like "i wanna fuck you so bad" and things like that i cant really explain it, but it just make me feel...yucky i guess. I havent talked to him about it yet, but i really need to because i have already compromised enough of myself in other relationships, and if this doesnt stop i will grow to hate him, and myself. If he cant handle the way i am in bed then so be it, he can find someone that is "less boring" i am how i am, i wish i could change the way i feel about it, but i cant. To me it feels like a handicap, but if i ignore the way i feel about it then i will become calloused, and i dont want that, my goal is to be able to embrace my emotions and accept them, because that is healthy, and ignoring the way i feel about sex is not good. Some people say that its a girl thing, and maybe it is, but i think i take making sex emotional to the extreem. I like that feeling of love, and being as close as you can possibly get with the other person. I love it when that feeling just swells through your body as your looking in the other persons eyes its the best feeling in the world, especially when you can see it in the other persons eyes. I just remembered what made me realize this whole issue.. Another amazing thing is when we both reach orgasim at the same time, that has always been one of my favorite things, well the other day that happened to me and andrew for the first time, and it didnt give me that great feeling it usually does, and its because we were fucking. God, i really dont understand why i feel that way, and it drives me crazy, because it makes me so scared that everyone i am with will end up getting bored of me, just like kevin did. It makes me feel like i am not good enough, even though andrew tells me i am amazing, he will eventually get tired of the same old boring ways i like to do it, and it makes sex less enjoyable for me because i am constantly trying so hard to make sure it is amazing everytime so he doesnt get bored, or anyone im ever in a relationship with. I drove kevin to porn, and other girls, im just afraid that is exactly what will happen everytime. Which is probably another reason i hold on so long with every guy i meet because i am so afraid that i will end up alone, and there is nothing i want more in this world than get married and have babies.

Its finally hitting me...

So, last night I had a dream, I don't remember what it was about, but I know that Kevin was in it. At first I thought that I was beginning to miss him, and that the fact that we really are over was sinking in. But now, I realize that I miss that type of relationship; coming home to each other everyday, sleeping together every night, all the things couples do when they are on their own. I really miss that freedom. With Andrew I constantly feel like his family is going to start hating me because he spends all of his time with me, and his grandparents have already had two talks with him about it. It just really sucks, because I'm honestly starting to have doubts about us. I like being touchy feely, lovey dovey, like your supposed to be in the beginning of a relationship, but we don't have that. I love being touched and kissed every spare moment, and he just isn't that kind of person. I want the honeymoon phase, and we somehow completely bypassed that. Maybe I can figure out a way to talk to him about it. I really could give two shits less about the stuff he buys me. I want intimacy, not money, I need love and compassion, and romance, not clothes and food.

Being away from Kevin lets me miss all the good things and ignore all of the bad things, maybe that's why I took him back the last time. But I just have to remind myself, that yeah maybe the little things were amazing, but the horrible things were unbearable.

I don't know what to think about anything right now. I just wish things could all have went completely different...

I was wrong, thank god

At work Andrew told me that he had deleted all of the naked pictures of Katie, and porn that he had on his desktop at his grandparents. On one hand I am glad that he did delete them, but on the other hand the first thing that came to me was that he went through all of the pictures and looked at them before he deleted them. I asked him if he did, and not surprisingly, he said that he didn't look through them, he just deleted them. I really don't believe him, but there is no way for me to truly know. My heart is just so numb that I can't trust anyone with it anymore. I really wish I could, but I cant shake the feelings of impending doom of every relationship I will ever be in. If he did look at the pictures it would hurt because I don't understand how someone can knowingly do something that would hurt someone else so badly, he knows I hate porn, and naked pictures of his ex is so much worse. I just don't understand how people can be so inconsiderate of other peoples feelings. Like, say he did look at them, yet he knew there was no way I would ever even know it really happened, I would never be able to do that, I would feel so damn guilty it would kill me. I wish that everyone was not out for themselves in this world. I wish they would think of everybody else too. Or at the very least the people close to them.

When I got home from work I got onto his laptop and looked at his internet history to see what exactly he was looking at last night when I got home. Well, I was wrong, he wasn't looking at anything that would hurt me. Thank god.

I don't know what has been wrong with me the last couple days, but I have been really emotional and depressed. I feel like crying all the time and just overall really down. I hate feeling like this. Please excuse my negative posts until I get past this mood swing. :-/

This morning when i woke up next to Andrew, he gave me "the" feeling. The one where it feels like your heart is going to explode. Its like an adrenaline rush and you just feel so happy it hurts. Well now the adrenaline is gone and I'm scared as hell... I have been let down so many times in my life, I'm so afraid that he is going to end up doing the same. I came home last night and he was on the computer and i asked what he was doing and he said all kinds of things. Well little did he know i could see his screen through the mirror. It was a google image search and i saw girls in bras and underwear just before he closed out the screen, granted if he was going to look at porn it wouldn't be through google. My past makes me throw up warning signals, i really really just don't want to get hurt again. No amount of fuzzy feelings is worth that pain.

The reason I left Kevin was because I found out he was watching porn behind my back throughout our entire relationship. I guess I need to explain that I am 100% against porn, and it greatly disrespects me if your in a relationship and you watch it. Some people think that is weird, but surprisingly a lot of people agree with me as well. Kevin knew from the beginning that if he was going to be with me that he couldn't watch porn or smoke pot. That was all I asked, and he agreed to it. Well, I guess that porn was just too important to give up in order to be with me. The really messed up thing was the day that I discovered it was after we got done in bed with each other, he got up, left me naked in bed to go watch other girls on the computer. I will never understand that, being as self conscious as I am, I automatically think that it was because I was just not good enough for him in bed.

But back to the Andrew thing, I know that I should at least try to trust him, its just hard for me to do after all the shit Kevin and my other ex's have put me through. I just don't want to go through pain again, I honestly don't think I would be able to handle it at all!

Slowly but surely

Andrew and Katie were together for about 7 years. Melody told me that I am going to have to deal with her for a very long time. Slowly but surely I am getting her out of his life. She lives hundreds of miles away, but she is so imbedded into his life it drives me crazy. First I got him(with the help of his mom) to cancel her credit card, then Katie deleted all of his family from facebook. She tried to friend request him again a couple times but he denied her. Now I am making him untag himself from all of her pictures on facebook because I'm tired of looking at her nasty fat face (yeah I'm slightly aggrivated right now). He is going through each picture narrating them like I give a fuck. Last night he brought her up, and she texted him happy new years. And as I said in my other post, when he picked me up today he was talking to his brother on his phone and totally called me Katie.

It's just frustrating that they have been broken up for two months and I still have to FORCE him to get rid of facebook pictures, yet the day I left Kevin I completely got rid of anything that had any ties to him at all. I just hate that Andrew tells me that he is in love with me, but I know its not true because he is still in love with her... I actually really hurts to think about it...

He called me Katie again today
[Casie Paige]