This morning when i woke up next to Andrew, he gave me "the" feeling. The one where it feels like your heart is going to explode. Its like an adrenaline rush and you just feel so happy it hurts. Well now the adrenaline is gone and I'm scared as hell... I have been let down so many times in my life, I'm so afraid that he is going to end up doing the same. I came home last night and he was on the computer and i asked what he was doing and he said all kinds of things. Well little did he know i could see his screen through the mirror. It was a google image search and i saw girls in bras and underwear just before he closed out the screen, granted if he was going to look at porn it wouldn't be through google. My past makes me throw up warning signals, i really really just don't want to get hurt again. No amount of fuzzy feelings is worth that pain.

The reason I left Kevin was because I found out he was watching porn behind my back throughout our entire relationship. I guess I need to explain that I am 100% against porn, and it greatly disrespects me if your in a relationship and you watch it. Some people think that is weird, but surprisingly a lot of people agree with me as well. Kevin knew from the beginning that if he was going to be with me that he couldn't watch porn or smoke pot. That was all I asked, and he agreed to it. Well, I guess that porn was just too important to give up in order to be with me. The really messed up thing was the day that I discovered it was after we got done in bed with each other, he got up, left me naked in bed to go watch other girls on the computer. I will never understand that, being as self conscious as I am, I automatically think that it was because I was just not good enough for him in bed.

But back to the Andrew thing, I know that I should at least try to trust him, its just hard for me to do after all the shit Kevin and my other ex's have put me through. I just don't want to go through pain again, I honestly don't think I would be able to handle it at all!