I Actually wrote this yesterday 1/15/2011
andrew and i havent even been together a whole month, and i really do not know how much longer i can stand being with him. All he does is constantly piss me off. The night before last we went to churchills with kevin and amber and he checked out every single girl that walked through the door. And he continued to check them out after i said something to him about it. He asked me if i never checked out other dudes out and i said no. And its the truth, im the ipitomy of faithful, my body, my mind, and my eyes all belong to the one person i am with. Its completely disrespectful, especially when ur significant other is sitting right next to you! His excuse was "all guys do it" but that is not even true. I was with kevin for almost a year and a half and he never checked out other girls ever! I was the only woman in the world in his eyes. Andrew said that he will try harder to not look at other women, and that is just fucking ridiculous to me. He thinks it just pisses me off, but it honestly hurts my feeling a lot. I mean he isnt exactly eye candy, and im not trying to be conceded, but he is lucky to get someone that looks as good as i do, and he spends his time looking at other girls, yet he tells me im the pretiest/sexiest girl anywhere we go, then why the fuck doesnt he look at me? Thats just one example of one day that he pissed me off. But somehow he finds a way everyday to do so. Yesterday i was at work and he asked me if i was grumpy, and i told him that grumpy wasnt the word for it, and that we would talk about it later cuz it wasnt a convo to have over texting. So he called me, we talked about how we werent gonna see each other all day because he got out at 9 and i was going out with nichole for her birthday, and he had to work early in the morning, plus i didnt want him to come anyway cuz he would end up pissing me off checking every fucking girl out, so he said "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and i said i sure hope so. He said that he wanted to try to make this work, and i said i do too, but it hasnt even been a month, we shouldnt have to try to make it work yet, thats something that happens at minimum of 6 months. we agreed to talk today after we got out of work to figure out what we were going to do. When i was getting ready to leave work for the day yesterday, he sent me a txt asking if i wanted him to give me any bar money. Because thats what he does, he was afraid that he was going to lose me, so he basicly bribes me with money. I asked him how much he would give me, and he said he could give me 20 right now... Implying he would get more if i wanted. No, i did not take his money. I really do not believe that there is mr right out there, i dont even think there is a mr barely right. I guess i want to keep trying with andrew because i hold these high hopes that he will be who i want him to be, and that is exactly what i do with every guy im with. But they never change, they are always incapable of change. I consciously know that if i dont like him the way he is now, then i shouldnt be with him, but im still going to drag this out. I think its for the same reason he his hold on so tight to us, its because we dont want to be alone, and it is really hard to find someone to be with. And i am compromising a lot of myself for this relationship which i really really should not do. For example, i am very particular in my sexual relationships. I dont like doing anything that makes me feel emotionally unattached, which means that i dont do kinky things, and i only like two positions, me on top or him on top. I like the face to face connection, which so far has been ok with him(even tho him and katie were extreemely kinky, but thats another issue). The problem is that he likes to fuck, and i hate it. I like to make love, and yes there is a BIG difference between the two. We have only made love once, and he always says things like "i wanna fuck you so bad" and things like that i cant really explain it, but it just make me feel...yucky i guess. I havent talked to him about it yet, but i really need to because i have already compromised enough of myself in other relationships, and if this doesnt stop i will grow to hate him, and myself. If he cant handle the way i am in bed then so be it, he can find someone that is "less boring" i am how i am, i wish i could change the way i feel about it, but i cant. To me it feels like a handicap, but if i ignore the way i feel about it then i will become calloused, and i dont want that, my goal is to be able to embrace my emotions and accept them, because that is healthy, and ignoring the way i feel about sex is not good. Some people say that its a girl thing, and maybe it is, but i think i take making sex emotional to the extreem. I like that feeling of love, and being as close as you can possibly get with the other person. I love it when that feeling just swells through your body as your looking in the other persons eyes its the best feeling in the world, especially when you can see it in the other persons eyes. I just remembered what made me realize this whole issue.. Another amazing thing is when we both reach orgasim at the same time, that has always been one of my favorite things, well the other day that happened to me and andrew for the first time, and it didnt give me that great feeling it usually does, and its because we were fucking. God, i really dont understand why i feel that way, and it drives me crazy, because it makes me so scared that everyone i am with will end up getting bored of me, just like kevin did. It makes me feel like i am not good enough, even though andrew tells me i am amazing, he will eventually get tired of the same old boring ways i like to do it, and it makes sex less enjoyable for me because i am constantly trying so hard to make sure it is amazing everytime so he doesnt get bored, or anyone im ever in a relationship with. I drove kevin to porn, and other girls, im just afraid that is exactly what will happen everytime. Which is probably another reason i hold on so long with every guy i meet because i am so afraid that i will end up alone, and there is nothing i want more in this world than get married and have babies.
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